How many times in your life have you heard someone passionately exclaim “I just want to understand!” I’ve heard it a lot more in recent months and it’s been prevalent on FB before, during and in the aftermath of the election. In reality the deep-seated desire for people to understand one another {what a person says or does} isn’t new … it’s ever been thus … since the inception of humanity. Listen!  I never cease to be amazed myself! And proverbially scratch my head often at what people express … especially on social media.

Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist {British idiom} please understand that I’m not calling out anyone in particular or referencing any specific circumstances!  Rather I’m directing the contents of this blog more as a “note to self!” for the future and with the hope it may even help someone struggling to understand a friend with a different opinion … on any subject.

Smile!  It’s good to lighten up and not take ourselves so seriously, don’t you think?

With that said, let’s explore some thoughts around this topic. But first it’s essential we examine the dictionary definitions relating to the words … LOL!  I realize at this point some of you may grunt, roll your eyes, tune out and hit ‘delete’ right now 🙂

It’s okay – I totally understand. And I accept it. 

One of the greatest desires of human beings is wrapped up in the complexity and contexts of understanding … both the noun’s and the adjective’s meaning.

In reference to the above words and definitions, note that these parts of speech are synergistic and most powerful when all three are present and their meanings are implemented.

Example … if you have an understanding {noun} of something, you probably sought to understand {verb} and you reached out with an understanding {adjective} attitude and demeanor.

Congratulations to those of you who have hung in there with me! Thank you! With that articulated we move on to the heart and soul of this post … how to better understand a person, a situation or another’s point of view.  

I believe most people want peace and harmony and they truly desire to understand one another’s point of view, whatever it is. They want a satisfactory conclusion, free of unpleasant discord, hurt feelings or an irreparable conflict. Do you believe that too?

Here’s the “but”! You knew one was coming, right?

We live in an imperfect world! {No kidding} AND we are all human beings who think, feel, act and respond differently … and that can change day by day, minute by minute based on our perception, belief system, values and our emotions at the time.

In other words, understanding doesn’t come easily.  

In fact it usually comes with a price attached … for the one attempting to understand as well as the one trying to explain their position. The price is patience, vulnerability, an intent to truly seek to understand, a willingness to accept a differing point of view, AND the skill to ask questions, then listen with an open mind and a loving heart. 

More often than not discussions of a passionate nature don’t end in win-win situations. The tone degenerates, the volume escalates and inevitably one or both parties begin to feel angry, hurt, resentful or silenced … and instead of acquiring greater or deeper understanding, the lack thereof intensifies. The gap widens.

It doesn’t have to be that way! Here are 5 ways to arrive at understanding … that keep friendships intact and can lead to deeper appreciation and acceptance:

Understand this: some people prefer to argue
Just because someone says they want to understand doesn’t make it so. Their words might “say” they do, but their actions contradict, making it clear that what they really want is to argue their own points so they can BE understood. You can recognize the futility of engaging this type of individual when they discount or dismiss your thoughts by force-feeding you theirs, arguing over you or shutting you down. Each time you open your mouth to share a thought, they bury you alive with a barrage of what they think. Hey! You might as well end the conversation right there and amicably agree to disagree, because 99% of the time to continue is futile … and it does not end well.

Make it win-win
Enter a controversial conversation with a desire for an ending that is win-win for both parties. Be the one to genuinely seek first to understand, setting aside your own differing point of view {not easy to do, but worth it} to discover why the other person feels the way they do. Winning an argument rarely improves understanding. It usually means the “loser” succumbed to “bullying”, stopped expressing himself or herself in order to keep the peace and is left not only unheard, but with stifled, wounded feelings … not a good ending. It’s so much more satisfying to openly {and respectfully} agreeing to disagree with a person, after gaining a deeper understanding into why the other person thinks or feels the way they do. Arriving at mutual understanding is the ultimate objective and accomplishment!

Ask questions. Telling is selling!  
When you ask questions and permit the other person to answer without interruption, contradiction, or ridicule {or a sneering look on your face} you’re projecting that you truly value and respect the other person … and what they’re saying and feeling. When you “tell” you come across as selling your idea and point of view. Worse still if you tell someone what they’re thinking, it’s not only rude, arrogant, presumptuous and dictatorial, but it’s provocative.  Asking questions, then listening patiently and intently with a sincere desire to understand, is more mature, loving, considerate and the best way to gain understanding … and to be understood.  Exercising control of emotions and showing interest in the other person is empowering … and it’s one of the surest ways to make or keep a friend.  We value every friend we have, right?

Be respectful
Shouting, eye-rolling, ridiculing, insulting, condescension, arrogance, rude gestures and grimacing serve no helpful purpose when it comes to understanding or endearing yourself to another! And never ever resort to cursing and swearing. Find other words in your vocabulary! Be respectful even if you’re treated disrespectfully.  Rise above the common … be exceptional. Take the high road, agree to disagree, bring the dialogue to a close and protect your self respect. Too many people today are devoid of common courtesy and good manners.  Be the one who sets the civil tone.  Be gracious. 

Be loving and accepting
Look, no one said it’s easy to understand why some people think the way they do, say what they say, or do what they do, especially when it’s your polar opposite! It’s hard to fathom when it’s SO clear to you and they can’t see, or acknowledge your side at all. It’s even more difficult to remain calm and in control of emotions when both sides are passionately convicted or when comments turn vicious, prejudiced, accusatory or false.  Be intentional. Decide to not venture over to the dark side … no matter what. If the discord is on social media, you can always just scroll on by. If it’s in person and you feel the heat turning up, be the one to cool it down.  Be strong and tap into your loving side. Understand that it’s really okay for friends to differ. Accept with grace.

What isn’t okay is to become unloving and destroy a relationship or friendship over a difference of opinion when respectfully accepting each other’s position is a choice … and a preferred option. 

Always choose love and acceptance. Everyone wins.

Don’t try to understand everything. Because sometimes it’s not meant to be understood, but to be accepted. ~ Unkown

Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less. ~ Marie Curie