My friend Dorothy and I had a girl’s day out now and then when we lived in Apple Valley – a shop-‘til-you-drop kind of day. I’m talking ALL day! We’d drive 90 minutes to a huge Mall, be there when it opened and leave when the doors hit us in the rear as they closed, then we’d do dinner and get home in time for bed. The guys thought we were nuts! They were probably right – but those were some FUN times! It wasn’t that we always spent lots of money, or came home with more than we could carry; it was just the delight of the shopping experience itself. Finding a great bargain and cute clothes that fit can be a real stress buster and quite rewarding – an enjoyable experience, one you want to repeat.

Looking for just the right outfit – and finding it can bring lots of pleasure, but something has changed all that for me! Spandex has infiltrated the stores. It has crept into the shops like a thief in the night and worst of all is disguised in the prettiest looking cotton pants, hanging innocently on a perfectly normal-looking hanger. The nerve of it – it’s in everything and everywhere and pretty much every brand. Lately it has become the bane of my shopping experience. I am out to get Spandex – no not the “buy it” kind of “get” – the “kill-it-with-vengence” kind!

You know what Spandex is right? Spandex, Lycra or elastane is a synthetic fiber known for its exceptional elasticity. It is stronger and more durable than rubber! It does have some redeeming features – it stretches – and in the right clothing for the right occasion is fine, but it really does need to know its proper place. You’ve heard that children should know how to behave – be seen and not heard? Well Spandex should be seen and not worn! I don’t agree with the former, but I am an avid supporter of the latter.

Spandex hasn’t just stayed with its own variety – with rayon, viscose, polyester and other man-made stuff that you know is synthetic and supposed to stretch – but it has permeated the natural material too – the cottons and linens, giving them an unnatural elasticity they never had on their own! Now THAT is what annoys me and drives me to distraction and has recently deprived me of fun shopping. Let me enlarge – no pun intended.

It took a while for me catch on to the spandex ruse. But the game is up! I now know that it isn’t only in certain types of clothes – where I might want expansion for comfort – but it has slithered into street clothes that I assumed were cotton and held their shape. Spandex is sneaky that way! It’s a tease and a trickster and before I knew what was happening, it was even in my house – and all over my closet. I’ve been the victim of a veritable home invasion by spandex and its stretchy friends.

It’s maddening that it also resides in my cotton clothes. To my horror, I find it in my pants. What a con artist! This is what really gets to me! The cute pants were a perfect fit when I tried them on in the store. Ah, so good to find pants that really fit right! They looked great after I washed them and put them on the first time. Fabulous – I won’t need to take them back – they’re a keeper! A couple of hours later, after sitting for a while they feel a little looser. I must be losing weight I say to myself – could have sworn these pants were tighter this morning! I go about my business and later catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I do a double take. What the —-? I turn and look back over my shoulder, aghast – my worst suspicions confirmed. What I see is not the kind of eye-catching perky-butt look that one wants to see, but a droopy down rear of the most unattractive kind, be it ever so small. The seat of my pants has bagged out! I have joined the ranks of the baggy-butt brigade. Nooooooooooooooo!

I console myself with the idea that I must indeed be losing weight and I can always get a smaller pair of pants. I go on with my day. By evening, I just know I’ve lost ten pounds by some miracle. My pants are so loose now they fall right off when I unzip them. An awful thought occurs! Maybe I have cancer? No Anthea, banish the thought – all that dieting just caught up with you – all in one day. It paid off girl – finally! I congratulate myself. The power of positive thought prevailed again!

I get on the scale eagerly. I stare in disbelief! That can’t be right! I get back on – it mocks me again – same weight. Liar, liar pants on fire! Don’t you ever change what you say, you stupid scale? Are you stuck on the same number? You are WRONG! My pants just convinced me I lost weight! Heck, they practically fell off me just a moment ago! I gain composure and calmly step off the scale and hold my breath as I gingerly, ever-so-gently get back on, one toe at a time. The weight has changed! It is UP a pound! What the —-? I kick the sucker under the counter and shriek the five-letter name of a female dog – no it wasn’t “Daisy”.

Spandex, you are a she-devil of the worst kind! It took several times of wearing the spandex/cotton blend pants before I realized that almost all my newer pants do the exact same thing. They fit in the store, fit after washing but wear them longer than 30 minutes and they stretch and bag out in all the wrong places. Wash them again and they fit, wear and bag out – over and over like a broken record! The stretchy demon overpowers the keep-it’s-shape cotton and makes it bag in a way I can’t stand. I don’t know about you , but I like my pants to FIT – when I put them on AND when I take them off! Now I have a closet full of cute pants that I hate.

So last week I decided to go shopping for 100% cotton pants that hold their shape. The hunt was on! I mean this was serious business. I was on a flare-your-nostrils, find-it-at-all-cost, don’t-care-what-price mission to secure cute pants that fit – bearing NO trace of spandex.

I went from low-end to high end, to discount stores and back again, with very little success, but I learned a lot! First I learned that Spandex is not in clothes based on fat, overweight people demanding stretch and comfort, because it’s also in the size 2 that a toothpick would wear.  Secondly, I learned what to do to make the hunt easier. You head straight for a rack of pants – you don’t care about size, color, style or cost – you’re goal is to reach the nearest label – you can always pick the size and color once you know that there’s no spandex in that collection. So you start with the label, which is not always visible, sometimes it is hidden on an inside seam and you must unsnap one side of the pants from the hanger to reach in and find the tag that displays the fabric content. You’re looking for the precious tag that states 100% cotton. Good luck. There is an abundance of various blends with cotton and the demon spandex. You can find cotton pants alright, but the beast is ever-present – anywhere from 1% on up. If it has only 1%, it’s okay at a pinch – but 2% and higher will hurl you into the baggy-butt brigade faster than your head can spin over your shoulder and see the unpleasant vision behind.

What’s the bottom line? 100% cotton pants are scarce. Grab them when you see them, pay whatever the asking price and when you do find them, never leave them alone in your cart – and don’t tell anyone where you found them or your supply will vanish.

Spandex – you tried to steal the fun from my shopping experience! The only tag that used to matter was the price tag.  Now I’ve morphed into an obsessive label-reading maniac, avoiding your name at all costs, and store clerks think I am a crazed woman! I hate you! But hear me now and hear me good, you may have infiltrated my space but you won’t stay there and you will NOT win the war! I shall find what I’m seeking and drive you out of my closet. The fun will return to my shopping and in the future your miserable existence shall be of no consequence! Good riddance!