This life we humans live is nothing short of astounding. Such a gift! In the small quiet hours before dawn, I marvel at it, and I’m so filled with wonder at this journey we call life. How can it be that four short days ago we were in England? In some ways it seems like a few minutes ago, yet in other ways it feels distant and almost as if it never happened, but vivid memories remind me that the time there was very real … as well as surreal, and now we’re home, fighting jet-lag and once again immersed in the daily “routine” of living. Somehow things are almost “back to normal” …. all is the same, yet everything is different.
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Dearest Dad,

Unbeknown to you, I captured this vision of you in the garden amongst the fragrant delicate, colors of the roses.

My heart melted to see how you gazed so thoughtfully up at the beautiful blood red ones – the ones that were Mums favorites – and I immediately knew you were thinking of her. Forgive me for intruding in the moment. I’m happy you didn’t know I was there standing quietly, out of view. It was a special moment, a private one. Continue reading →

Hello Mum!

I’ve been thinking of you today as I always do. How could I not? You are in my heart forever.

Today I’m especially immersed in you. We’re planning for a great celebration of your life. We’ve chosen one of your favorite dresses – the one with the bright purple and pink splashes of flowers – the one that is so YOU! Your earthly body will look beautiful – a perfect extension of your sweet spirit which is alive and well in Heaven and also lives on here with us.

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Yesterday was a particularly distressing day. Mum’s restful state changed rapidly to one of agitation and anxiousness. She was wide awake, her beseeching blue eyes darting back and forth almost child-like, asking questions constantly, in a frantic obsessive manner, rubbing her eyes, clutching at her face and clearly in a very disturbed state.

We tried everything we knew to calm her down and lull her back into serenity, stroking her forehead, playing music, softly reassuring her that all would be well, professing our love for her and reassuring her that she would be happy and whole forever. That we’d all be united again in eternity.

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I have to confess that the last few days have been among the saddest, yet most joy-filled times I’ve ever experienced. Sad because my beautiful mother is fading away from life as we know it on this earth and I am heartbroken, yet I feel joy because her spirit is about to take flight and she will transition into the most glorious state ever – everlasting life with her Lord and Savior, where her body will be whole again and there will be no dementia. 

It was Sunday yesterday – a beautiful sunny day and if that wasn’t enough to raise our spirits, God favored us in a special way that makes my heart sing with joy and gratitude.

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“What have I to do?  Where have I to go?”

Simple questions from a sound mind. Ones we ask ourselves {inside our heads} as we go about daily life planning our day, directing our activities. In contrast, these same queries from a confused mind are complex and disturbing to hear … at least they are to me. These two little questions have haunted me for some time now. It’s not easy to shut out their echoes inside my head.

Have you read my other Dementia Daze posts?

If you have, you already have a feel for the intensity of these repetitive questions from my beautiful mother, persistently asking the same two questions a hundred times a day. Sometimes so softly spoken it’s barely audible, a mere whisper, at other times sorrowfully, or blurted out in loud frustration, at times even angrily demanding, but always with a pleading undertone, accompanied with an equally beseeching look in her eyes … piercing at times and always searching for an answer through those expressive icy-blue eyes.
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In the last 18 months, my mother’s dementia has worsened noticeably. I guess it’s to be expected – a natural progression of an insidious, incurable disease. But if you’re like me, you remain ever hopeful, and you might even look for a tiny sign of improvement, knowing all the while in your heart of hearts, you won’t find it….it’s not there. There’s no denying Mum’s dementia has advanced significantly, so we might as well embrace it for what it is, and make the best of a challenging and heart-breaking reality.

Humor helps. Not that dementia is funny, but having the ability to laugh, to find the lighter side of things in life {no matter how hard you try, or how deep you must dig}, does help ease the pain, the sadness and the frustration that accompanies this affliction of the mind. Continue reading →

My beautiful white-haired Mother stood by her bed and froze ever so slightly. My arm was around her, gently steadying her and guiding her towards bed, so I felt her body tense against mine before I saw her stiffen – just a little – it was a subtle motion but detectable to me. Only a few seconds earlier, as I eased her weak and weary frame off the chair from the stair lift by the bedroom door, I had sensed her hesitation to pass through the doorway. My husband discreetly stood by – my rock – my hero – giving us space, but right there if needed. My Dad downstairs awaiting his turn to ascend in the stair lift. I knew what was coming next. It happened the night before, the night before that and every other night for the previous 20 days I’d cared for my Mum.  “Where have I to go Anthea?”
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